There was a time – even as recently as thirty years ago – when divorce in this country was considered a taboo. Couples would be tight lipped behind closed doors about the ending of their relationship. Some would even remain in the unhappy and unhealthy relationship, rather than be ostracised by society.
Changing societal attitudes and legal reform has paved the way for a more understanding and accessible approach to the ending of a marriage; the recent ‘no fault divorce’ law in England and Wales aims to reduce the conflict and emotional distress during the legal process. We may have the best of intentions to stay the course ‘til death do us part’ but, the stark truth is, relationships are not always made of the stuff you read in fairy tales or see in Hollywood films.
In the past 15 years or so, much greater weight has been attached to the importance of individual’s happiness and emotional well-being – this is particularly prevalent for victims in abusive marriages. Marriage, even with children, should not be about having to endure suffering and long-term unhappiness.
There should be little surprise then, that with the destigmatisation around divorce, the divorce party has risen in popularity and can be recognised as a milestone event along with birthdays and baby showers. The e-commerce platform Etsy noted in June 2024 a 266% increase in searches for divorce party items, whilst Moonpig revealed in December of 2023 that divorce parties ranked second for the most popular life event to celebrate, just behind getting a dog. Divorce is a big life change and holding a party creates the opportunity to publicly mark the end of the marriage and start of a new life, surrounded by supportive friends and family. The trend is said to have started with the publication of Christine Gallagher’ Divorce Party handbook back in 2003.
Just like wedding nuptials, there are services and products to cater for this life event including divorce party planners, divorce party rings, gift-lists, fireworks displays, and even recipes on how to make the perfect divorce party cake. We read how celebrities such as Kim Kardashian hold such rituals, so why can’t we do the same, just on a smaller budget?
Critics of the divorce party are quick to fire that such an event is tawdry, with little regard to the feelings of the other partner or the children who may be grieving or distressed by the change in their life. It is one matter if this is an amicable split. Yet, typically in divorce, there is often one partner who doesn’t want the marriage to end and may be going through great sorrow and pain coming to terms with the split. Holding a party (minus the other half), where mutual friends will be attending and possibly the children (if they are older) lacks great sensitivity and could come across as a mechanism to score points and even alienate the other person from their family and social circle.
The motivation behind such a gathering and its tonality should then come into question. For some, there is a more serious and considered approach and they see it as a chance to let go of residual anguish and heal the rifts. The divorce ceremony of Mark and Dilly broadcast in Grayson Perry’s excellent documentary series Rites of Passage, showed how it can be a positive and constructive experience. Gathered in a field in front of close friends and their daughters, the couple paid tribute to the end of marriage, with Mark showing his regret for the deep sorrow and pain he had caused and the ceremony marking the new chapter of their separate lives. The onus was very much on healing.
As a family lawyer, I see and deal with, daily, my clients’ pain, anger and frustration during the divorce proceedings. For some it can be a deeply traumatic time. For others, there are challenges with coming to terms with the change in their circumstances and a step towards the future.
A public ceremony or holding a glitzy party in a wine bar for some can also be the furthest from their minds. How one chooses to celebrate their divorce can differ from person to person. A holiday abroad, for example, could be a cathartic moment and an important part of the healing process for some.
Navigating through divorce and once the ink on the Final Order dries isn’t a sprint. Nor is it a marathon. It is a process – not a race to prove to your social circle – that everything is insta-perfect now that you are single. It doesn’t have to be a loud party break-up. Adapting to a new life, post-divorce takes time – it may take a little longer than the “morning after” the divorce party to find your happily ever after.
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